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Volume 69, Issue 21               The World's Leading Debating News Source               debatesmash@yahoo.com

Welsh National Champion Asks to be Finished Off

Rob Silver Claims, "One Day I May Even Begin to Tolerate Americans"
TORONTO, Ont. - In the wake of NYU Law's win at Worlds, University of Toronto Chief Adjudicator, Rob Silver, claimed he may even begin to tolerate Americans one day. "I know that Rob (Weekes) is English and Alan (Merson) is Scottish, but they prove that even Americans can be decent people. When asked whether this view conflicted with his treatment of Americans at Worlds, Silver replied, "I said one day I might begin to tolerate them, I didn't say I already tolerated them."

Worlds Motions "Tame"
TORONTO, Ont. - WUDC President Colm Flynn yesterday called this year's Worlds motions "tame". This slap in the face to Toronto organizers came amid attempts to be as offensive as they could be, with motions about anorexia, rape and September 11. It is hoped Stellenbosch Worlds will rise to the challenge next year, with motions concerning necrophilia, pedophilia, Chinese water torture and female circumcision being considered.

Americans Only to Flow
TORONTO, Ont. - Studies released by Stockholm University researchers conclude beyond doubt that Americans are the only debaters who flow and use analysis.

Weekes and Merson Tell of Life Growing Up in the Bronx

TORONTO, Ont. - Worlds Debating Champions, Alan Merson and Rob Weekes from New York University Law, talked emotionally about their troubled childhoods, after they had won the title of World Champions.
     Before attending NYU Law, Merson and Weekes attended Glasgow University in Scotland and Oxford University in England respectively, which they referred to as 'little more than beat-up community colleges'.
     "It was tough," said Weekes. "We both grew up in woe-begotten 'hoods, in a sty of humanity. Some people's home towns are like Wild West bars - ours' was like the refuse at the bottom of the spittoon."
     Merson talked about how he was pressured into a kilt-wearing gang on the west-side. "I remember my initiation," Merson recalled, "where I had to eat lots of haggis and drink lots of Guinness."
     Perhaps Weekes' happiest memories of his childhood were when he and his brothers would play cricket in the streets, under highway overpasses. "Who would have thought that a back-streets cricket-player like myself would now be world debate champion? It just shows you can do anything if you put your mind to it," he said.
     When asked about their very non-New York accents, both replied, 'no comment'.

TORONTO, Ont. - The World Debating Championships erupted in furor last night when the Welsh National Debating Champion looked like she might be left "unfinished".
     Kathleen Davies, from Cardiff, was Welsh National Champion in 2001, but even that title did not encourage Irishman Seamus O'Donell to finish her off whilst they were making love in front of a number of British bystanders.
     O'Donnel later claimed that he elected not to finish off Davies - or even himself - due to a high amount of distraction generated by the others in the room. "It's kind of like trying to take a piss when you've got a guy who's two foot taller than you are standing right next to you," said O'Donnel. "I just decided I had to get out of there and have a fag," he said in reference to his decision to smoke a cigarette after the ordeal.
     For a time, it appeared that Davies could be left unfinished. When asked why she couldn't finish herself off, Davies exclaimed, "I am the Welsh National Champion, won't somebody finish me off?"
     Just as it seemed all was lost, and that Davies may be forced to take drastic action, Conan O'Rourke, from Dublin, stepped in and continued where O'Donnel left off. When asked later why he took on the onerous task, O'Rourke replied, "someone had to do something - I mean, we're talking potential disaster here."
     Davies was the first to praise O'Rourke's quick thinking. "If it wasn't for Conan, I don't know what would have happened. It is good to know that in sticky situations, you can always find someone to count on."
     Observers were similarly impressed with O'Rourke's snap-decision to step into the fray. Irish Prime Minister, Bertie Ahern, commented that O'Rourke's quick thinking averted a diplomatic disaster. "I can only imagine the potential ramifications," Ahern commented. "I mean, imagine if Wales was a real country -  then, we would really have been in trouble!"
     Clinton O'Brien, one of the twenty-two by-standers in the room during the incident, refused to take responsibility for O'Donnel's failure. "Seamus keeps trying to heap blame on us for his non-performance, but all we was doing was just watching it and talking. We have sex in front of each other all the time - and the Welsh even sometimes with sheep!"
   

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