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Harvard Debater Stands Up For No-Names on
Circuit
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. -
Former Harvard debater, Chris Russo, today
commented that he was proud to have given a voice to the unknown people on
the APDA circuit. "There are a lot of crap debaters on the APDA circuit,
most of whom no one of any substance actually notices. I think it was time
that I stood up for this disadvantaged minority and gave them a profile."
Russo raised a furor recently by using official channels to complain
about a 'blasphemous' invite for the Georgetown tournament. This complaint
led to numerous sanctions against the Georgetown team and may have
precipitated the team's demise. "I think that now teams will realize they
can't mess with people they've never heard of," Russo said.
College Park Police Investigate Missing Student
COLLEGE PARK, Md.
- Local Police are investigating the disappearance of college student Greg
Jennings, who was reported missing by debate team colleagues last week.
Police report that they have many leads from Police in Massachusetts,
Connecticut and New York, who have reports of multiple sightings of Jennings
in those states. Upon hearing reports of sightings of Jennings, Liam Toohey
commented "that figures - he must just keep going north." Sean Kates
commented, "shit!" |
Grossman Offers Jed His Daughter, Car,
House, Wine
ITHACA,
N.Y. - Cornell University's Andrew Grossman today announced that he would
like to offer Yale University's Adam Jed his first-born daughter as a gift,
for Jed to do with what he wishes.
This
move came hot on the heels of Grossman expressing his admiration for Jed by
describing a 28 on the Cornell Tournament points scale as 'a speech by Adam
Jed'.
Grossman also noted that until his
first daughter was born, he would give Jed unlimited access to his car,
house and immense collection of two-dollar wine bottles and cigarette stash,
in lieu of the main gift.
Maryland's
Rahul Sinha commented that this act of affection was not new, and it was
part of the kinship between APDA debaters. Sinha commented that his
preferred method of showing affection was sliding his hand into other
debaters' pants. GW's Danielle Wilkerson agreed. "It is true - affection
among APDA debaters can take many forms. I am fairly familiar with most of
them." Bryn Mawr's Niru Kumar added, "I
don't know why people have such a problem with kissing ass. You know, it can
be kind of fun."
When asked for his views
on Grossman's generosity, Jed replied, "Andrew who?" |
Long in the tooth - William & Mary
novice, James Messner. Will his age catch up with him?
ITHACA, N.Y. - The Novice of the Year race
started to become fierce this week as Cornell University's Andrew Grossman
overtook William & Mary College's Arthur Traldi to take top position.
Traldi's loss of top spot in the Novice of the Year race was put down to the
fact that his proxy, James Messner, has been visiting family in Australia
for several weeks. "I had James on a strict schedule of tournaments and an
even stricter regime of early mornings, training and even a special debaters
diet to keep him in shape. We'll just have to work extra hard when he
returns for Princeton."
Grossman
commented that he was pretty sure that he was in a winning position. "I
think that this is a reward for the hard work I have put into this race. I
mean - the hard work Justin has put into this race. It is good to see a real
novice on top of the standings - none of this bullshit where a 75-year-old
triple PhD student with eight decades of debate experience can call himself
a novice."
"To be quite honest, I don't
really care all that much," said Berkowitz. "It's just a novice award. No
one cares who wins it. Why, just look at Gilbert Lee."
Messner also weighed in on the matter from Australia. "I dunno what all the
fuss is about, mate. All I wanna do is come and throw a few shrimps on the
barbie, have a couple Fosters and call it a day. Bonza, mate."
Freelance novice, Christian Franco, still remains in third position. "It is
hard as a novice to be competing against the likes of Grossman and Traldi. I
mean they're great debaters. Well, at least that's what I've been told. What
do I know? I'm only a novice!"
When asked
for his comment, former Novice of the Year Gilbert Lee said, "I think the
talent in the race this year is very poor. I don't think either Grossman or
Traldi are that impressive. Now when I won NOTY, that is when there was
talent in the race. Sure, all the talent resided in me, but at least it was
there." |
President Williams this week continued in a desperate search to find a role
for EOFs. In a press conference, Williams announced that he had been
contacted by the Catholic church in search of missionaries to send to the
jungles of Borneo. Williams said that negotiations are continuing, but a use
for the EOFs may at last have been found. Yesterday, in Scarsdale, Williams
made a rare public appearance with brother and former President John
Williams. President Williams called off the engagement early when guests
continually got the two brothers mixed up and referred to John as
'President' and Jeff as 'Worst President Ever'.
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