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Storey Clayton Wins Top Speaker at
Princeton Amid Claims of Legitimacy
PRINCETON, N.J. - Storey Clayton,
of Brandeis University, won Top Speaker at the Princeton University
tournament this week. He was personally congratulated by girlfriend and
Princeton debater Emily Garin, who also won top speaker at the Brandeis
University tournament earlier this year. "It is just such a happy
coincidence," said Garin. When asked for comment, Clayton said "it is just
such a happy coincidence." Jonathan Marcus, from Boston University, and
Andrew Grossman, from Cornell University, who won each other's respective
tournaments, echoed these comments, being quoted as saying, "it is just such
a happy coincidence."
J-Po Available for Comment
HAVERFORD,
Pa. - Jeremy Pober commented today that he was available for comment, and
indeed would always be available for comment.
Penn Still Ready for
300-Team Tournament
PHILADELPHIA, Pa. - U.Penn. representative, Mike
Cognato, yesterday reiterated to APDA Board that the school could host a
300-team tournament. The necessary conditions, including a blue moon, the
planets in alignment and a leap year, are yet to be fulfilled. |
Harvard, Yale and Maryland Vow to Teach
Novices "Humor 101"
NEW HAVEN, Conn.
- Yale today joined a consortium of schools, including Harvard and Maryland,
who have vowed to teach their novices a new subject, "Humor 101".
Yale Debate President, Adam Jed, commented, "we keep losing whenever we go
south, even though we run our hilarious life insurance cases. It is time to
fight them at their own game."
Maryland Vice-President of Operations, Rahul Sinha, said, "we need our
novices to learn about running cases like merging the Dakotas. And then,
when they are advanced, we can teach them to rise on a point of information
such as 'L.A. and San Francisco?' which will have everyone rolling in
laughter. And if that doesn't do it, wait for our cold war cases!"
Harvard Chief Executive, William Windsor, said "we are very serious about
humor. Next tournament, we may even have everyone on our team wear ties
featuring popular cartoon characters, like Marvin Martian. We may even have
a 'crazy hair' round. We just hope Matt Longo doesn't turn up that round."
Jonathan Marcus, however expressed concern about the potential increased
humor on the circuit. "Judges just don't buy humor," he said. "I don't know
why people keep trying to steer APDA away from high school policy debate." |
 The First President - Can President
Jennings meet the standard that former President George Washington set?
PRINCETON, N.J. - Last night, the 2002-3 APDA Board was elected, with Greg
Jennings elected President and Grand High Executioner. Sources say that
Jennings apparently debates for University of Maryland, College Park. These
reports are yet to be confirmed, however.
Kate Myers, also from the Maryland state education system, was elected to
Vice-President. She is said to have no history of heart attacks nor any
previous involvement in the oil industry.
New Secretary of the Treasury, Patrick Nichols beat
out northern southerner Matt McMillan whilst Angelo Carusone was elected to
Secretary of State, Jay Cox to Secretary of People Who Debate With People
With Crazy Hair, and Jonathan Marcus to Secretary of Cops in Boxes.
Arthur Traldi, from William & Mary College, lost his battle for Secretary of
Back-tabbing. Rahul Sinha and Dave Abbott expressed their sincere
condolences to Traldi, lamenting the lack of back-tabbing expertise on the
new APDA Board.
Blair Smythe, of Harvard University, Mass., said "I
fear the future is grim - not only is someone from a state school on board,
but the proletariat has both President and Vice-President. Andrew
Grossman, of Cornell University, N.Y., said "I'm concerned about the
north-south divide on APDA ... tell me, what on earth are two southerners
doing on Board?" Evan Mayo-Wilson, of Columbia University, N.Y., said "fuck,
fuck, fuck."
Part of Jenning's campaign involved being elected
on a mandate to do stuff. Part of the campaigns of all other members of APDA
Board was to agree not to talk publicly about the stuff that President
Jennings does.
Former President Jeff Williams was quoted as saying
"it is nice to see someone in the White House who will continue the
tradition of tyranny. That Luftglass was such a soft-ass."
Jennings has vowed, however, to break with a
long-standing presidential tradition, and to not ask Miss Elizabeth O'Connor
out on a date. |
Today, the newly-elected President Jennings toured the Burns Unit at the
Virgin Mary Randomly Denominational Hospital. The President met with
debaters who had their fingers burnt by the election process. Another of
President Jennings' responsibilities today was to shrug-off the title of
"President-Elect" within sixty seconds. When asked about current President
Jeff Williams' status, Jennings replied, "Jeff who?" Tomorrow, the
President will meet with British Prime Minister Tony Blair before solving
world hunger. |
