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Boston University to Hold "We Don't Quite
Know What It Is" Tournament
BOSTON, Ma. - Boston University's Mike
Specian today announced that they would be holding a tournament of some
description some time soon. Believed to involve random pairings of debate
partners, Emily Garin and Storey Clayton quickly withdrew their expressions
of interest upon hearing that Jeff Williams would be taking part.
Matt McMillan Considers Running Non-Civil War Case Sometime Soon
NEW
YORK, N.Y. - Sources report that Matt McMillan of Columbia University may be
considering running a non-Civil War case in the future some time. Evan
Mayo-Wilson commented, "it's about time - who gives a shit about Fort
Sumter, anyway? Con law - now that's what Matt should run." When asked
for comment, McMillan replied, "well, I have run a war of 1812 case in
the past, so technically this move would not be entirely breaking new
ground."
J-Po Still Available for Comment
HAVERFORD, Pa. - Jeremy Pober, in a press conference, announced
today, "just in case anyone was wondering, I am still available for
comment."
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New Discovery Brings Glasgow Worlds Death Toll to 674
GLASGOW, Scot. - Glasgow City Police today informed the Worlds Debating
Council that the bodies of another twelve debaters were found buried
deep under the snow near the Glasgow University Union building.
The debaters, believed to be from Multimedia University of Malaysia, are
believed to have died from a combination of food poisoning, boredom and
hypothermia.
Scene of the Crime - Glasgow University Union Kitchen
Complex.
Assistant
Chief Adjudicator of Glasgow Worlds, Eleanor Winton, remarked that "this is
an unfortunate occurrence, but since the bodies were found buried under ten
feet of snow, this proves beyond all doubt that refrigeration was not at
issue." Glasgow officials continue to maintain that a virus and not food
poisoning, caused all the deaths.
This
brings the total death count from Glasgow Worlds to 674. Glasgow City
Police confirmed that 52 people are still missing, among these, the
two-person contingent from Cornell University, who were listed missing from
the very beginning of the tournament. |
Hung, drawn and quartered -
Nationals is set to be taken to the Tower at Brandeis for the second year
running.
BALTIMORE, Md. - The American
Parliamentary Debate Association looks set to award Brandeis University
ruining rights for Nationals for the second year running.
Brandeis spokesperson Ben Stein said that it was a victory for all
fair-minded debaters. "I think we showed at UMBC Nationals our ability to
throw hissy-fits over the rounds our judges were allocated and to also
victimize judges and arbitrarily remove them from rounds. A bit of picking
and choosing judges never hurt anyone. We are quietly confident that we can
repeat these successes next year. Being at Brandeis this time should give us
the home-turf advantage, also."
Brandeis'
tab-room will be run by 54-year-old dino, Greg Wilson, the star of many New
England tournaments. When asked for comment, Wilson said, "I think we'll
show those southerners a thing or two. New England, now that's where the
intelligent people are. You'll never find anyone in a two-down bracket if I
have anything to do with it."
APDA
President, Greg Jennings, was pleased with the result of the election,
whereby Brandeis beat-out stiff competition from Smith for the right to host
Nationals 2003. "Who needs a paltry $25,000 from Smith when you can get
Greg Wilson for free?" he said.
Brandeis'
bid was helped by the appearance of the greatest number of dinos any school
has ever been bothered to send. Asked about this, Jonathan Bierbaum
commented, "hell, we've got so many dinos even some of our sophomores are
dinos!"
In other news, Chicago has placed a bid for
North Americans 2003, under the proviso that APDA Board underwrite the
tournament. Out-going Secreatry of the Treasury, Ryan Hecker, confidently
announced, "we have plenty of money to give Chicago - just don't let Kate
Myers know." |
Today, President Jennings met with Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and
Palestinian Leader Yasser Arafat, but failed to reach compromise in the
on-going war. Both leaders were said to have disagreed on the President's
plans for EOFs in the West Bank. Arafat and Sharon were unavailable for
comment after President Jennings imposed a gag order on them. Tomorrow, President Jennings will open and
dedicate a children's hospital in Boise, Id. |
