Volume 69, Issue 25               The World's Leading Debating News Source               debatesmash@yahoo.com

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Wizards of the Coast and Topps Fight Over APDA

Crack the Hack
BOSTON, Mass. - Sources revealed today that Jeff 'Crack' Nelson hacked into The Smash website and found conclusive evidence that this publication is written by Pat Nichols. When interviewed, The Smash's real deputy-editor Jesse Helms commented, "there are two problems with Mr. Crack's contention. Firslty, Pat Nichols is not the editor. Secondly, the site has not been hacked. I believe it to be a conspiracy by Mr. Crack and Mr. Nichols to wrongfully claim the $100 from Max Mayer-Cesiano for identifying the editor of this publication. I, Jesse Helms, the true deputy-editor of this paper, and my editorial team of thirty-one rhesus monkeys take extreme exception to this action."

The Smash Readers Speak: We Want Pot!
BOSTON, Mass. - The readers of The Smash voted recently for the candidate they would most prefer as APDA President. Results suggest that school representatives at the Princeton APDA elections may not have voted the way their constituents would have wished, with our exclusive poll showing the preferred candidate to be now deceased former Cambodian Khmer Rouge dictator, Pol Pot.

Click on graphic for enlargement.

Worshippers: What Would Yoni Do?

PRINCETON, N.J. - Thousands of worshippers have flocked to a small church in this sleepy university town to take advantage of the release of new 'What Would Yoni Do?' or 'WWYD?' T-shirts.
     Leader of the Church of the Yoni, the Reverend Schneller, commented today, "I am surprised at the high demand. It just shows that Christ ain't got nothing on me!" The Reverend referred to the high, but slowing sales of similar 'What Would Jesus Do?' T-shirts.


What Would Yoni Do? This T-shirt is what thousands of people are flocking to Princeton, N.J. for.

     Economic analyst Paul O'Neill told The Smash that sales of the 'What Would Yoni Do' T-shirts could easily eclipse those of 'What Would Jesus Do' versions within a month or two.
     Church of the Yoni worshipper Richard Head told The Smash why it was important for him to have this T-shirt. "It makes me think - and indeed it gets everyone who sees it to contemplate - what would Yoni do in this situation? It gives me and the world lots of spiritual guidance."
     The Hebrew-language version is expected to be released soon.

What Topps is Offering - Topps sent us this copy of their Harry Layman trading card.

NEW YORK, N.Y. - Topps Trading Card Company today entered the bidding war against Wizards of the Coast Corporation for the right to print APDA Trading Cards for the 2002-03 season.
     Topps, which is well-known for its baseball and football cards, said today in a press release, "we are willing to pay APDA more for the right to print their cards than we paid the NFL for the right to print Detroit Lions cards."
     Last week, Wizards of the Coast Trading Card  Corporation, the company behind the Pokemon phenomenon, was the first to put a bid on the table for the 2002-03 APDA season. A spokesman told The Smash last week that the company was willing to pay APDA "ten, maybe eleven dollars" for the right to print the circuit's cards. Topps is believed to be willing to pay APDA between fifty and seventy-five cents more than the Wizards bid.
     When interviewed, Secretary of the Treasury Ryan Hecker commented, "whether it is $10 or even $11.75, I can assure you that we will not spend that revenue on anything. And that's a promise. Oh, shit, I'm not on board anymore."
     Current Secretary of the Treasury, Patrick Nichols, was not available for comment. Sources believe that he is too busy taking credit for publications he doesn't write.
     Harry Layman, whose card was one of fifty examples printed by Topps said, "cool." Team mate Evan Mayo-Wilson commented, "how did Harry get his card printed before mine?"
     Other cards in the initial release by Topps included the 'Ed Parillon import special', the 'Emily Garin and Storey Clayton joint release card' and the 'Greg Wilson UConn classic card.' It is also believed that if Topps is awarded the deal, they will print a hundred card limited edition gold foil Greg Jennings card.
    
The Flip Side - The reverse side of the Harry Layman trading card from Topps. The brand of gum to be sold with the cards has not yet been revealed.

 
  

Today, President Jennings unveiled his plan for one-world government and global domination. "It is my dream," Jennings said in a speech to the European Parliament, "that every child will one day talk as if they were a tea pot. I believe it crucial that all children in the future be taught to shuffle sideways like a crab whenever they deliver a speech. And more than that, that children learn to look like a teapot and shuffle sideways in unison when they speak." President Jennings also held talks with a major advertising firm, and asked that a billboard featuring his picture be made to cover the entire height of the Empire State Building - on all four sides.

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