Volume 69, Issue 25               The World's Leading Debating News Source               debatesmash@yahoo.com

Golden Bear Muirkirk launches coup at UMBC; Myers ousted peacefully

Spiderman II - The Web of APDA
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. - In the wake of the enormous opening weekend of the movie, Spiderman, the movie's makers have announced they already plan a sequel. The new movie, entitled "The Web of APDA" will go into production this July. The movie will follow the adventures of Spiderman as he attempts to unravel the enormous 'APDA web', and defeat the evil Hubs, led by Pat Dempsey, Ryan Lynch and Danielle Wilkerson. Elaine Ewing and Carissa Monfalcone are also rumored to be fighting over the remaining spot in the Hubs cast, a fight which writers say 'can only get worse'. UVa's novices are likely to be cast as the 'more than capable' extras in the movie.

Readers Reveal: Barney's the Editor
BOSTON, Mass. - Readers this week uncovered the true identity of the Editor of The Smash as being Barney, the purple dinosaur, star of many children's television shows and movies. "It is such an "R' for Relief!" commented Barney yesterday. "All this time in 'A' is for Anonymity - it has really taken its toll. That rhymes with pole." Coming second in the poll were the rhesus monkeys, who in actual fact make up the editorial team. Patrick, the biggest chimp of them all, said, "it is flattering that people think we actually edit The Smash. It is just such a privilege to take credit for it."

Click on graphic for enlargement.

Tab Error Found to be Deliberate

MIT responsible for error to save embarrassment

BY STEPHEN HAWKING
The Smash Tabulation Reporter

BOSTON, Mass. - Phil Larochelle and Raj Krishnan from MIT last night told of their harrowing escape, as they missed being crushed by the devastating blow of Princeton's Ed Parillon and Yoni Schneller in a clash of over-speaking might.
     The fortuitous avoidance of doom for MIT came as they were luckily kept out of the break by a 'tab error'. Sources report that the 'tab error' was indeed a deliberate act to alter the finals pairings. Pat Nichols of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology was yesterday revealed to have been the mastermind behind the evil plot to defraud the APDA community. Security cameras inside the tab room showed Nichols tampering with the results, reducing his team's points by one millionth of a rank.

Caught in the act - Security camera footage of Pat Nichols in the Tab Room.

     Last night, Nichols was asked what drove him to commit such an act. "I guess it was just out of fear of seeing Phil and Raj in the embarrassing role of the 8th seed. It was just my attempt to win righteous indignation to go on in perpetuity."
     When asked about the barely avoided  incident, Yoni Schneller quipped, "I'd like to thank Jesus for the way that those quarters pairings ended up. If I had to sit through another one of Phil's environmental law cases, or a three minute tautology on star trek, or a fifteen-minute PMC, I was going to have to gnaw my own arm off to stay awake."
     Reports suggest that MIT were presented with a place in the hallowed Righteous Indignation Hall of Fame by its founder, Eric Benson, in a ceremony last week. They join Benson, the Brandeis team and that guy from Wesleyan in the Hall of Fame.

President Myers establishes government-in-exile at George Washington University
 
BY UGO CHAVEZ
The Smash Political Coups Reporter

New UMBC Team Dictator-General - Golden Bear Muirkirk leads coup against Kate Myers

BALTIMORE, Md. - Former Supreme Ruler of 2002 UMBC Nationals, General Golden Bear Muirkirk, led a coup yesterday that ousted former UMBC team President, Vice-President, Treasurer, Secretary and Member, Ms. Kate Myers.
     The coup was relatively peaceful, with General Muirkirk, accompanied by several bodyguards from his crack Special Services Tickle-Me-Elmo Brigade, marching on the Office of President Myers and serving notice that Myers would be required to vacate her office by the end of the day. President Myers complied with General Muirkirk's request, and vacated her office almost immediately, without any blood-letting.
      "This is definitely a victory for undemocracy," General Muirkirk told reporters yesterday. When asked about how he will run the UMBC team, Muirkirk replied, "I will make UMBC more relevant when it comes to leadership on APDA. I plan to take a leaf out of Jeff Williams' book, and operate a true, tyrranical regime. Indeed, already, the entire university is under a gag-order."
     The first school to recognize the new Muirkirk government was Massachusetts Institute of Technology, with President Pat Nichols jubilant with the result. "I think Phil Larouchelle and Raj Krishnan demonstrated today that voodoo dolls really do work!" Nichols commented. He did, however, deny reports that MIT had any hand in the coup.
     On the other side, George Washington University was the first to make clear that it would not recognize the new Muirkirk administration. Indeed, GW announced that it would host President Myers' government-in-exile until a resolution could be reached.
     President Myers commented last night, "I think it is outrageous that a democratically-elected government like mine be ousted like this. I was elected by my three team members. This is an outrage. I thought I could trust General Muirkirk. Indeed, he was indispensable during Nationals. Who is he to take the leadership at UMBC? I mean, it is not even as if he is currently enrolled. Oh, no, wait..."
     The coup has had many political ramifications. While many in the APDA community feel it unjust that both U. Maryland College Park and UMBC  have separate votes on APDA, the reaction would surely be harsher were UMBC to have two votes on APDA itself. This scenario looks to be a real possibility, as APDA President, Greg Jennings admitted to The Smash last night that it will be difficult to decide whether the new Muirkirk administration or Myers' government-in-exile should be recognized as the legitimate representative of UMBC on APDA. "It is just such a hard decision," said Jennings last night. "I face many hard decisions as APDA President - whether it be Raisin Bran or Rice Crispies for breakfast, whether to go north or south, whether to make sense or not. I just never no. I can never decide. I fear this may be another instance where I can't decide. Or maybe I can. Or maybe I can't."
     Sources hope that a resolution will be reached soon, especially as rumors have become rife that General Muirkirk may have his sights set on taking over APDA as a whole.

On Guard - General Muirkirk's Special Services Tickle-me-Elmo Bodyguards guard the UMBC President's mansion as Muirkirk takes control.
 

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