Volume 69, Issue 27               The World's Leading Debating News Source               debatesmash@yahoo.com

Williams Team: “Nobel Prize for Mathematics Just Reward for Hard Work”

Canadians Blow: Americans
OTTAWA, Ont. - Canadian Debate President T.J. Adhihetty was this week outraged by the result of the latest The Smash poll which indicated that 57% of American debaters think Canadians blow. "I don't know what we'll do abooat it," Adhihetty said, "but an annooancement will be made soon." The Smash readers also voted for the venue they would have most prefered if they were forced to endure NorthAms and the company of Canadians. In a tied finish, University of the West Indies and Johns Hopkins University both gained 12% of the vote. Not surprisingly, no one voted for UMBC or Catholic.

Click on graphic for enlargement.

The Smash Passes on Baton of No Show
AFTER our long summer off, The Smash was pleased to pass on the baton of disappearance to The Clash last week at a ceremony in New York.
     The Clash's editor, Mr. Jonathan Marcus, claimed that although the latest edition of the APDA publication was not presented at Columbia Novice as promised, it was in a safe place.
     The safe place was later revealed to be a box on a commercial airliner, with a cop inside to protect it.

UMBC Chastised for Serious Rule Breaches

Maryland school forgets to hand out automatic breaking positions

BY DAVID KORESH
The Smash Reality Check Reporter

BALTIMORE, Md. - UMBC Team President, Kate Myers, received a strong dressing-down from the APDA Board this week as it was revealed that Greg Jennings failed to break at the Maryland tournament.
     Mr. Jennings is reported to have stormed the tab room after the break announcement, asking whose idea of a joke it was to leave his name out. A recount was completed and Mr. Jennings' team, the UMCP/UPenn hybrid posing as a straight UMCP team, was found to have gone 2-3.
     Despite this result, Mr. Jennings was heard proclaiming, "I am Greg Jennings - I should break at every tournament!" One onlooker agreed, claiming "well, that was true for every previous APDA President ... before Jennings."
     In a similar call, Mr. Jeremy Pober issued a 'please explain' to the UMBC High Council after the tournament failed to break his Haverford team.
     "Come on, I'm J-break after all," Mr. Pober was quoted as saying.
     In further controversy, the NYU team of Ms. Emily Schleicher and Ms. Amanda Entin were outrageously thrown out of the tournament in the semi-finals. "It's twice in two tournaments," said Schleicher. "We should have got our Nats qual in our first tournament ... I mean, we're entitled!"
     William & Mary's Clinton Hergot voiced similar disappointment at his team being knocked-out in the Quarters. "It's just because Kate hates my partner, Arthur - and she has mystical powers over everything. It stands to reason."
 

After not breaking a 5-0 team in 2001, Williams wins second Nobel Prize for finishing 2-3 team in 15th 
 
BY GEORGE W. BUSH
The Smash Fuzzy Math Reporter

STOCKHOLM, Sweden – The Nobel Committee today announced that it would bestow the 2002 Nobel Prize for Mathematics on the Williams College debate team – for the second year in succession.
            Committee chair, Dr. Bjorn Borg, said in a speech on Monday that he could not think of any team more deserving of the prize. “They have put in two years of very hard work. When they failed to break a 5-0 team in 2001, we on the Nobel Committee thought that it would be a feat that was unbeatable.
            “But now, with a 2-3 team finishing 15^th in a 44-team tournament, well, that just blows away all previous records. The Williams team embodies everything that we Swedes strive for – being small and insignificant, but finding outrageous ways to get global recognition, except we did it with copius amounts of porn and that band called ABBA.”
            The Smash asked its mathematicians to simulate how high a 2-3 team should finish at a 44-team tournament. Patrick, The Smash’s chief mathematical rhesus monkey, told us that in such a tournament, the highest a team with a below .500 record should finish is 25^th.
            Joe Gallagher, the Tab Director from the Williams team, proudly accepted the award by video-screen at the awards ceremony in Stockholm. Mr. Gallagher was unable to attend the Stockholm dinner because he was apparently still searching for Harvard C’s lost tab card.
            In even better news for Mr. Gallagher, reports say that he received a telephone call from the Boston Redsox baseball team, asking whether it was possible for Williams to calculate the Redsox into clinching the AL wildcard even if Anaheim keeps winning. Mr. Gallagher was reported to have replied, “no sweat” and promtly lost the tab card for the New York Yankees.

   Are YOU a Dealer in illicit substances?
   Traldi Not Afraid to ask Tough Questions

BY GERALDO RIVERA
The Smash Offensive People Reporter

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Fox News Channel today offered a reporting contract to Mr. Arthur Traldi, because "he is not afraid to ask the tough questions."
     The move came after Traldi's floor speech at UMBC, where he clinched the all-time record of the most personal insults within two minutes.
     So momentous was Traldi's effort that he even managed to publicly incriminate three debaters in the dealing of illicit substances during the same two minute period.
     "I take my hat off to him," said Mr. Max Mayer-Cesiano. "I've never seen anyone kill the mood of a round so effectively, so quickly. I'm not saying it lost the round for us, but... in the words of George W. Bush, 'Shame on ... shame on you."
     Worst floor speech ever? You decide...

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